Yes, I got a new job and I start Tuesday! This has been quite a significant relief for both myself and Susan. It has also had a wonderfully positive effect on my depression. I will not say the depression is gone, and I expect I may experience some effects for a while yet (e.g. I expect to come home from work exhausted for the first while), but the day I got the job was my best day since my termination.
Susan shared a beautiful quote with me from “Out of Africa”: “that bad time blessed us and went away.” I won’t claim the bad time is gone completely, but there were many blessings (especially spiritual) gained from it. Still, I’ll be happy to see it in my rear-view!
Sunday, December 09, 2018
Tuesday, November 20, 2018
Flying Colors!
Here’s the short and sweet version (in case you don’t want
to read the preachy, religious stuff): I had another cancer test last
week and passed with flying colors. 😊
Yes, God is good and has answered many prayers on my behalf. Quite honestly, the oncologist this time around was much more enthusiastic than usual about my results. He reiterated how rare it is that someone with my level of cancer (stage 4, metastasized to the liver and lungs) would be cancer free for two years. Now I suppose that could be taken two ways: 1) whoa – you’ve made it for two years so it’s overdue to come back any day now, or 2) wow – it’s been two years so your chances keep improving. I don’t think I’ve articulated those well, but the oncologist seemed to be trying to communicate that #2 was his intent.
And now for the other big thing in my life right now. My depression is still very much affecting my life. I am still unemployed and find myself feeling quite low much of the time. Also, of course, our finances are in pretty rough shape as a result. The employment market in Calgary for my skills does not seem to have recovered as much as expected yet. Pretty much everything I’m looking at pays at least 20% less than my last several jobs/contracts (really, below anything I’ve done in Canada since the 90s). The extreme lack of motivation, that “down” or “sad” feeling, the irrational anxiety, the extreme tiredness (e.g. any activity with other people that lasts for two hours or more is just exhausting) persist. However, the good news is that, as of approximately two weeks ago, the despair (that lack of hope or lack of light) component of the depression seems to have lifted somewhat. That really does make my situation much easier to handle. So, once again, praise the Lord!
I have toyed with the idea of trying to share some more of the things I’ve been learning through this process (about myself, God, etc. – there has been a lot!), but I’m not really sure how. For one thing, I don’t think this is the right forum. For another thing, writing it all down is a HUGE effort for me, so it likely won’t happen. Still, if this is something that might interest you, encourage me and maybe it will happen. 😊
Yes, God is good and has answered many prayers on my behalf. Quite honestly, the oncologist this time around was much more enthusiastic than usual about my results. He reiterated how rare it is that someone with my level of cancer (stage 4, metastasized to the liver and lungs) would be cancer free for two years. Now I suppose that could be taken two ways: 1) whoa – you’ve made it for two years so it’s overdue to come back any day now, or 2) wow – it’s been two years so your chances keep improving. I don’t think I’ve articulated those well, but the oncologist seemed to be trying to communicate that #2 was his intent.
And now for the other big thing in my life right now. My depression is still very much affecting my life. I am still unemployed and find myself feeling quite low much of the time. Also, of course, our finances are in pretty rough shape as a result. The employment market in Calgary for my skills does not seem to have recovered as much as expected yet. Pretty much everything I’m looking at pays at least 20% less than my last several jobs/contracts (really, below anything I’ve done in Canada since the 90s). The extreme lack of motivation, that “down” or “sad” feeling, the irrational anxiety, the extreme tiredness (e.g. any activity with other people that lasts for two hours or more is just exhausting) persist. However, the good news is that, as of approximately two weeks ago, the despair (that lack of hope or lack of light) component of the depression seems to have lifted somewhat. That really does make my situation much easier to handle. So, once again, praise the Lord!
I have toyed with the idea of trying to share some more of the things I’ve been learning through this process (about myself, God, etc. – there has been a lot!), but I’m not really sure how. For one thing, I don’t think this is the right forum. For another thing, writing it all down is a HUGE effort for me, so it likely won’t happen. Still, if this is something that might interest you, encourage me and maybe it will happen. 😊
Thursday, September 20, 2018
God is Good...
… all the time. Right?
Well, I firmly believe that to be true, but sometimes it’s much more difficult
to acknowledge than others.
I believe God has been tremendously good to me – far better than I deserve. I often feel like I’ve led a charmed life. From an early age, He gave me a relationship with Himself. He gave me parents, siblings, and an upbringing that I believe are simply the best ever. He gave me a wife that has been more of a support and companion than I could ever have imagined (and keeps getting better!). He gave me two kids who have grown and matured beautifully. He gave me an extended family and friends that I cherish. He gave me a career that I love. He gave me a better home in a better community than I deserve. He let me travel and see much more of the world than is fair. He has provided for me at every turn.
Why, when I consider all of that, do I still sometimes find myself angry at Him? Yes, that’s exactly how bizarre my present situation is. It simply makes no sense. Let me explain.
Two weeks ago I lost my job. This was a job that I thought I was good at, and thought I was doing a good job of. It paid well and had good benefits (especially in light of my cancer fight). It seemed like a perfect fit, and I even thought that it might be the job I would retire from. I had the audacity to think it was exactly where God wanted me. Apparently God had other plans.
Well, whereas there is no question I want what God wants for me, losing my job threw me into a funk (ok, I’ll be honest: a nasty depression). Suddenly, all I could do was lie in bed curled up in a fetal position. Suddenly, all the faith I thought I had in God came tumbling down. Suddenly all I could think of was financial ruin. Suddenly, God hated me and was punishing me. Suddenly, God couldn’t be trusted with my future. SERIOUSLY?!? Does that make sense? Of course not.
Hopefully I’ve encapsulated the illogical nature of what I’m going through, because that, at least in part, may be the most difficult for me. I tend to consider myself a fairly logical person. This depression makes no sense. And what’s worse, I can’t think my way out of it. And that, I think, is EXACTLY where God wants me. I think that more and more God is working to draw me closer to Himself, and more and more I’m able to relate to Paul’s struggle against the “thorn in the flesh” (2 Corinthians 12:1-10). I know that pride is something I’ve wrestled with most of my life, and I think I was growing comfortable in my self-sufficiency. I didn’t “need” God like I did when I was going through cancer. Well, I believe God wants us to need Him and be dependent on Him. I think God is clearly saying to me, like He did to Paul “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Now I want to get to the point of saying, with Paul, “That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.”
Now, that all sounds wonderful and spiritual and “holier-than-thou”, right? Well, that is NOT where I’m coming from. That may be where I desire to be, but I’ve got a long way to go. Right now, I am still battling this depression, and it’s nasty. (I’m here to tell you that mental illness is every bit as real as physical illness. I can also tell you that depression and discouragement are similar in many regards, but worlds apart in terms of their impact. I’ve experienced both.) Whereas I know God will take care of me over the long haul, I still have to get through this. And at times like these, He so often seems silent. I’ve been trying to do all the right things (spend time in His word, spend time praying, reach out to family and friends, get some exercise, take my meds1, etc.). These help some, but the darkness is still very often present and overwhelming. I’m reading an excellent book right now (recommended by a dear friend who goes by the initials PD) called “Astonished: Recapturing the Wonder, Awe, and Mystery of Life with God”. It does a fantastic job of describing why God often seems silent or distant. One of the things that caught my attention is this. Many Christians like to quote Jeremiah 29:11: “’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” That really is a wonderful promise, isn’t it? Well, besides my personal doubt that it’s a promise that any/every believer today can claim, the author of the book points out that most of us miss an important part of the context from verse 10: “When seventy years are completed.” Seriously? They had to wait for 70 years?!? Well, that certainly makes my two weeks sound trivial, doesn’t it?
Anyway, if you’re the praying type, feel free to bring my needs to God when you think of them. The physical needs are simple: 1) deliverance from depression, 2) physical energy and mental acuity to update my resume and go job hunting, and 3) a new job (which would likely cure #1). The spiritual need (a closer walk with Him, which is also what I pray for you) is much more important and subtle. If you’re NOT the praying type, why not? 😊
I am tempted to share much more, but I’d like to keep this short enough so that hopefully you’ll actually read it. 😊
I believe God has been tremendously good to me – far better than I deserve. I often feel like I’ve led a charmed life. From an early age, He gave me a relationship with Himself. He gave me parents, siblings, and an upbringing that I believe are simply the best ever. He gave me a wife that has been more of a support and companion than I could ever have imagined (and keeps getting better!). He gave me two kids who have grown and matured beautifully. He gave me an extended family and friends that I cherish. He gave me a career that I love. He gave me a better home in a better community than I deserve. He let me travel and see much more of the world than is fair. He has provided for me at every turn.
Why, when I consider all of that, do I still sometimes find myself angry at Him? Yes, that’s exactly how bizarre my present situation is. It simply makes no sense. Let me explain.
Two weeks ago I lost my job. This was a job that I thought I was good at, and thought I was doing a good job of. It paid well and had good benefits (especially in light of my cancer fight). It seemed like a perfect fit, and I even thought that it might be the job I would retire from. I had the audacity to think it was exactly where God wanted me. Apparently God had other plans.
Well, whereas there is no question I want what God wants for me, losing my job threw me into a funk (ok, I’ll be honest: a nasty depression). Suddenly, all I could do was lie in bed curled up in a fetal position. Suddenly, all the faith I thought I had in God came tumbling down. Suddenly all I could think of was financial ruin. Suddenly, God hated me and was punishing me. Suddenly, God couldn’t be trusted with my future. SERIOUSLY?!? Does that make sense? Of course not.
Hopefully I’ve encapsulated the illogical nature of what I’m going through, because that, at least in part, may be the most difficult for me. I tend to consider myself a fairly logical person. This depression makes no sense. And what’s worse, I can’t think my way out of it. And that, I think, is EXACTLY where God wants me. I think that more and more God is working to draw me closer to Himself, and more and more I’m able to relate to Paul’s struggle against the “thorn in the flesh” (2 Corinthians 12:1-10). I know that pride is something I’ve wrestled with most of my life, and I think I was growing comfortable in my self-sufficiency. I didn’t “need” God like I did when I was going through cancer. Well, I believe God wants us to need Him and be dependent on Him. I think God is clearly saying to me, like He did to Paul “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Now I want to get to the point of saying, with Paul, “That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.”
Now, that all sounds wonderful and spiritual and “holier-than-thou”, right? Well, that is NOT where I’m coming from. That may be where I desire to be, but I’ve got a long way to go. Right now, I am still battling this depression, and it’s nasty. (I’m here to tell you that mental illness is every bit as real as physical illness. I can also tell you that depression and discouragement are similar in many regards, but worlds apart in terms of their impact. I’ve experienced both.) Whereas I know God will take care of me over the long haul, I still have to get through this. And at times like these, He so often seems silent. I’ve been trying to do all the right things (spend time in His word, spend time praying, reach out to family and friends, get some exercise, take my meds1, etc.). These help some, but the darkness is still very often present and overwhelming. I’m reading an excellent book right now (recommended by a dear friend who goes by the initials PD) called “Astonished: Recapturing the Wonder, Awe, and Mystery of Life with God”. It does a fantastic job of describing why God often seems silent or distant. One of the things that caught my attention is this. Many Christians like to quote Jeremiah 29:11: “’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” That really is a wonderful promise, isn’t it? Well, besides my personal doubt that it’s a promise that any/every believer today can claim, the author of the book points out that most of us miss an important part of the context from verse 10: “When seventy years are completed.” Seriously? They had to wait for 70 years?!? Well, that certainly makes my two weeks sound trivial, doesn’t it?
Anyway, if you’re the praying type, feel free to bring my needs to God when you think of them. The physical needs are simple: 1) deliverance from depression, 2) physical energy and mental acuity to update my resume and go job hunting, and 3) a new job (which would likely cure #1). The spiritual need (a closer walk with Him, which is also what I pray for you) is much more important and subtle. If you’re NOT the praying type, why not? 😊
I am tempted to share much more, but I’d like to keep this short enough so that hopefully you’ll actually read it. 😊
1 – yes,
I’m on meds. I know that can be controversial, but that strays from the
point of this post. Feel free to contact me if you want to chat about
it.
Sunday, June 10, 2018
New lease on life?
Today was an interesting day. In many ways it wasn’t all that special or memorable. It was a Saturday so I slept in while Sue went for a massage. Then we started off on our usual Saturday drive. Over the last period of time we’ve found it a very enjoyable way to spend time together: we each get our favorite drinks and then we go for a leisurely drive through our spectacular Alberta foothills. However, we did one thing a little different today: we went car shopping first. I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re wondering why, since we have a reasonably current car. Well, that’s where this starts to get interesting. Five years ago we also had to go car shopping. At that time we did something very different from our “normal”: we leased our car. Why? Because I’d just been diagnosed with stage four cancer and we thought it would be less hassle to settle for a lease, especially if I wouldn’t be around for long (don’t question the logic too much – it wasn’t necessarily a period of great clarity for issues other than health). Well, now you may be starting to see the connection. Today we went car shopping because the five year lease was due and, whereas we haven’t made a decision on the car yet (this email really isn’t about our transportation), we’re actually considering a purchase instead of a lease.
Yes, you can read into that the implication. I had my semi-annual (yep, I can say that now :-) check-up and all was clear! So, whereas I know it could come back any time, at least for now the results are very positive and we find ourselves more and more thinking about life more normally again (i.e. like it might last for more than a few months). Needless to say, the five year mark highlighted by our car lease was cause for significant reminiscing about the many things that have transpired during that time. But maybe, just maybe, I’ll outlive another car!
Thanks again for all your prayers through the last few years! God is good!
Brad.
"Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional."
P.S. The five years I talk about in this post does not represent that magical number that oncologists talk of when they talk about being five years cancer free. In my case I’m still under two years on that count.
Yes, you can read into that the implication. I had my semi-annual (yep, I can say that now :-) check-up and all was clear! So, whereas I know it could come back any time, at least for now the results are very positive and we find ourselves more and more thinking about life more normally again (i.e. like it might last for more than a few months). Needless to say, the five year mark highlighted by our car lease was cause for significant reminiscing about the many things that have transpired during that time. But maybe, just maybe, I’ll outlive another car!
Thanks again for all your prayers through the last few years! God is good!
Brad.
"Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional."
P.S. The five years I talk about in this post does not represent that magical number that oncologists talk of when they talk about being five years cancer free. In my case I’m still under two years on that count.
Monday, April 16, 2018
Wow! What A Birthday!
Not only did I make it to 57, but it was a memorable birthday as well. I cashed in some air miles, booked a very cheap hotel room, and spent a bunch of money on some hockey tickets! Yes, Brodie and I continued our conquest and went to see the Las Vegas Knights play their very first ever play-off game. And what a game it was! It was a great, back-and-forth contest, with some great scoring chances, great hits, and spectacular goal tending. I know a final score of 1-0 sounds like it might be a boring game, but it was anything but! Also, I think we may have encountered the loudest crowd in the league. Nashville was loud, but I’m pretty sure Vegas was louder. Here are a few more random observations:
More pictures and videos of our adventure ae available here: http://pletts.elegantlogic.com/Photos/ShowFolder.aspx?Folder=HockeyAdventure2018
Oh, and in case you’re wondering, my next CT scan is May 18. I won’t get the results for a week or so after that, which is when I’ll send out my next update.
- Absolutely over-the-top opening, with different knights representing different teams, the LA knight got caught in the center-ice circle with cool graphics on the ice, and then the Golden Knight came in and proceeded to annihilate the LA knight. Lowering of the helmet was very dramatic. (video entitled "Opening act")
- The crowd was rowdy and very much into the game
- They loudly counted down the seconds to the end of a penalty (when short-handed)
- Favorite chant: “Beat L.A.”
- Generally the fans knew the game, but there was frequently a lack of knowledge evident as well In fact, a lady behind us knew “shoot the puck” was a good, acceptable cheer, but didn’t exactly know when it was appropriate. One time Drew Doughty (an LA player, for you non-fans) was skating the puck out of the LA zone and she was shouting “shoot the puck”. Brodie and I had a pleasant chuckle.
- Cheerleaders and drummers wandering around the complex before the game, and on a special platform during the game.
- Nothing much between periods, but lots of great, professional video productions
- Blue Man Group made some minor appearances
- A couple of mentions of Humboldt
- Fans that get on the big screen go crazy
- StubHub worked for us this time (we didn’t get kicked out of our seats), but their fees felt like highway robbery
More pictures and videos of our adventure ae available here: http://pletts.elegantlogic.com/Photos/ShowFolder.aspx?Folder=HockeyAdventure2018
Oh, and in case you’re wondering, my next CT scan is May 18. I won’t get the results for a week or so after that, which is when I’ll send out my next update.
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